"Mirrors Stand Still"
by Matoaka

look me in the mirror
tell me what you see
does it tell the story
inside of me

where's the truth
when everything is lost
where's the passion
when everything is gone

why am i kept hidden
under a dim light
when everything in me
is searching for a fight

how can there be golden
when there was no bronze
where is the reflection
that can do me no harm

crimson fury
buried in pain
blazin beauty
covered in shame

laughter escapes
my sore throat
holding back tears
while i'm their scapegoat

where were you
when you were me
where were you
when I was in need

struggling through
somewhat alone
now that this passion
cannot be condoned

its the beginning of a day
where the night is endless
the light gives way
to a past that wont be missed

look into my mirror
let me tell you what i see
nothing but riches and hope
welcoming back opportunity



***written sometime ago....

I havent updated in such a long time. I've really never been this busy before in my life. It goes to show you how NOT busy I really was last year.

To give a run down of my life at the moment: 21 credits.. yep. 21, 7 classes a whole lot of late nights. And it's not like I cant drop a class, but I really would prefer to get the shit out the way. At the moment actually I should be at lab doing my CAR assignment.

I just read something that made me a bit concerned. I can't believe how many times I've had the arguement with myself as to how I should handle grudges. Once I think I'm over something, it rears it's ugly head and I get hot headed again. Everyone has a right to their opinion, but I've always thought to at least try to be friendly to all. You never know when you might need them in the future.

But I noticed that once your opinion on someone is fixed... thats it. They can either reinforce it, or keep in moving.

I don't like grudges. I love the people in my life. I just wish I made better choices as to how to feel about them. I hope they understand.

-Zulay

Dear Zulay,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, May 22:

It's not your imagination. They're trying to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, and if subtle tactics don't work, they'll try something more obvious. Better nip it in the bud.

He said, she said....

Summer session 1 is going to prove to be the true testament of being alone. Solitude is a fear I have more so because I don't want to be alone, much less die alone. I have alot of balance within me, were if I start thinking about the way i live, I end up thinking about my fatality too. On top of the feeling of loneliness, even if I wanted to not be alone, the events within the last 48 hours have took a toll on my trust again.

This time last week, I feared this feeling that I have. That feeling that you can be in a dorm full of people and still feel alone. It's common amoung this parts to feel this way, I've been told by many of those who have had to endure Summer in Syracuse. Fortunately or not, I'm done with people anyway. You try so hard to live a drama-free, and honest life, and yet somwhere along the line, you are faced with a decision that will make a or break ur relationship with people. I feel like every new person you let enter your life, another person in your life takes the risk of sharing your time, or worst of all, takes the risk of losing their place in ur life. Is it possible to have a fixed number of people in your life?

Why does it have to come down to, there's two people in my life, One says one thing, the other says something else. One of you is lying. One of you could be misunderstood, or one of you is just a simple idiot. I like the latter, but apply to both.

anyway u put it though, both of you aren't being honest with me. I never got why honesty is so hard to come by with people. I'm no saint, and I don't act like I never lie, but with matter of the heart and soul, I find that I can't lie. Omitting the truth is just as bad in this situation.

People in general are expecting too much out of me. So how about i just retreat for a bit? I'm sorry I cant ever find time to just do what I have to do to keep people happy. unfortunately, for a few years now people being happy with me has taken a backseat to me being happy with me. And I'm still not.

"If I never knew you, I'd have lived my whole life through... lost forever.... if I never knew you"
.. NOT

Have a nice day
-Zu

PAUSE ON THAT ONE!

Holy crickey!!!

I haven't updated in a minuto!!!!

Let's see... whats new?

I've experienced one too many downfalls with the men in my life.

I'm completely and utterly lost in the world.

My organization needs to handle itself.

I'm staying in SU until the end of June.

I'm trying to get my wonderful advisor to teach my how to drive! :-)

I'm still lost in the world btw.

Is it bad that sometimes, I feel like all i wanna do is have some kids and call it a day?
Will that scare some guys away? :-P

Will that freak my friends out for that matteR? Can you say "oh shit! Why'd u slap me!? I aint pregnant yet!!!" lol

I try heard... but I'm still pretty self centered....

But if your not self centered ... why would anyone else be ur center? FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.

Except J.C. aka God and his other names. You aiight :-)

K, i'm done...

FAREWELL.

Happy Bday just.
Happy Graduation Ray, Michelle and Morgan...

Can somebody please turn off the baby blue and white sign before I go bonkers? Thanks.

... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Time for a break

So for the past few days I've come down with a MUCH anticipated COLD. mo fuckas. Fortunately, I've been drinking so much OJ and vitamins that I don't actually feel faitgued in the morning. But that energery def. runs out sooner thatn later. It sucks. By like 5pm, i need a nap.

I'm going to look forward to this break. Something tells me that after this post is made, I shall be experiencing some real drama ... NYC here i come...

Hopefully after break things will be clearer.... UNLIKE THIS POST, lol.


paz,
overreacting zu...

I forgot how lonely I can be.

Did anyone ever respond to you in a such a way that seemed so unlike them, and that dissapointment was so overwhelming the only you could do was stop talking. It's hard thinking that if a situation could never apply to the viewer/reader/listener you can be virtually be unsuccessful in getting feedback. It's kind of the way columns in newspapers stay on. Or TV shows. If it doesn't somehow relate to the viewers life, they don't take it as seriously as they would other things. The topic needs to hold the interest of the people there, and there's a problem when it transfers over to friendships.

I never realized how much I needed to change of myself to fit a standard of friendship to other people. I guess this is why it's been so difficult to hold on to friendships. Times like these comes and all I can do is stop talking.

so there...

silence,
Zu

Tuesday's is usually the day i end up having the most free time. This hour and a half break reminds me of how much a life i don't have. lol. it was times like these that i was so not looking forward to last semester. It's these times that had me stay home and be poopy at home. lol

So i'll be gong home for spring break... everyone is wack for leaving.

i really been figuring out that i might wanan look into graduates schools. i wonder where though?

"baby, take off your cool... i wanna see you... i wanna see you..."

bbl...

So my valentine's day is one that calls for a round of applause.

My roomates decided to be each others' valentine's because Ray avoids the hassle of having to choose a valentine, because he has oh so many. And justine couldnt decide wat manwhore she wanted to fuck last night so she decided to play it safe and be with the original manwhore. lol. ;-)

Talk about a bunch of haters! Angie and justine calling me out. btw... we didn't do anything last night. I was walked home, friendly kiss and i went to read and sleep bitches. I got shit to do. Mo fuckas. lol. And i hope YOU had fun with ur $40 hoe last night angie :-P hahahaha. just blaze! I got so many im's ranging from aw how sweet, to bite me bitch... yo, can I enjoy my day please? geezy.

To quote Justine "[Omar]'s the bastard that got [Zulay] flowers".... i was so upset. lol. to my knowledge, he knows his dad thank you very much, lol.

My sister got a valentine's day surprise yesterday to. Another boy that we as women cannot have. I was happy for her. it's always nice toknow that someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

Roses, flowers a bear and a card... i must say... no wait, i'll let my horoscope say it for me:
Libra for Feb 15th, 2005:
If yesterday went as well as you thought it might -- and it's hard to think of it happening any other way -- then you'll probably be in the mood to sleep in late. With the right company handy, that goes double.

blast for not having company.. oh wait i did... my philosophy txt book!!! :-P

Happy Valentine's Day :-P
Paz

It's about time for a new post... no?

Totally addicted to john legend's album. No idea why. This semester is full with "I don't kno why"'s and alot of weird things.

For instance, I haven't missed a class for just some bull shit reason. This past Tuesday I went to Albany to Student Lobby Day and lobbied against pakati's proposed tax cuts to HEOP and the "reconstruction" of TAP. The two representatives i spoke to were as differeent as night and day. The first one that we saw was a democrat and totally for us. She listened to our sob stories and sed that it does nothing but reinforce why she was there in the first place. She realized how hard it was for college students to graduate without having to worry about financial means of getting by. But the other representative that we spoke to. He was a republican, white middle class american who really didn't seem like he gave a shit we were there. We were told that we weren't going to get to see him but then one of our group leaders saw him trying to sneak in his office when we weren't lookin, so they let us go on anyway. The group chose me to represent the undergraduate population of SU, and so i just went to bicker with this man. He really said this tax cut was insignificant. Don't get me wrong, i know it really is compared to the rest of the budget, but this shit keeps getting cut every year, when is it going to stop?

so i missed a day of classes to tell of a republican. :-D But it was for a good cause, i swear. today i missed hald my class to look @ an apartment. 415 Euclid. like 2 blocks away from campus, it was AWESOME. It's a nice cozy "quaint" apartment. :-D it shelters us and Justine and I snatched it right up. it's a bit steep for 400 but it's included with everything u can think of. So we is chilllin.

There's alot lookig up for me too. I'm just feeling better overall this semester. I'm sleeping a shit load better than i was last semester. Over the break I got an actual break from Syracuse, with the exeption with a few long conversations with mizms and a movie break with the army guys that visited NYC. I really did relax and take time out to think about last semester which really is all a blur for me. I'm sleeping so much better, and looking back I think it my be due to the serious and confusing break up I had. That really did last like 5months. lol. Not to blame the guy, it's not his fault. Shit just happens. My health in general was declining and got so frustrated with organizations and school. I priorizied my shit horridly. LUCHA came first, sleep during the day 2nd, party @ night and school.... i think.

Now, I think i'm maintaining that 4.0 for the semester. Lets not get our hopes up, eventually those papers' and tests will kick in and it'll drop, but for now, it's nice to think that i have a 4.0, lol. The classes i'm taking this semester, i'm really kicking ass in.

LUCHA's there. I'm really excited about the banquet we have no money for. :-D

Personal Life? I think i'm kinda getting selfish when it comes to friends family and etc. lol. My friends are taking a backseat to my work, definitely. After that first week, I've been gonig to bed early and just relaxing. I don't want to smoke up anymore, just because i'm not trying to fuck myself over with drugs. I had dreamt that I snorted coke and i wasn't appreciating that. So I'ma lay off for a while. let the roomies enjoy themselves.

My familia is as drama filled as they can get. But I love them.

I've been going to gym alot. Like 5 times a week. I have motivated and disciplined myself like that :-D I'm happy. lol, omar sez i'm dissapearing before his very eyes. I gotta stop going so much though. I'ma wear myself out.... but it's soooo energizing!! I'm happy I can actually like jog now, and not just "speed walk" lol. I've come a ways... but my sprained ankle from the break is slowing me down yo! boo...

Etc. is still very unclear and scary to say the least. Only seeing one boy now. Not really by force. But i kinda believe after a few months, u have to have some loyalty u kno? If the opportunity arises, i might have to re evaluate things, but unti lthen... john legend ....

"I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow...

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay "



as jorge sez: OD, lol

PEACE

I have a tendency to make things mine despite it's appropriateness.

It's been an interesting Beginning of the year as i venture into new ground with myself. Taking a look back at the year, I don't think I've ever had such a long ass year. Starting with the feeling of semi independence, never thinking twice about anyone being in my life, and still utter confusion about my major.

After the New Year's celebration of 2004 died down, I had to face the sorrow of letting go of two people in my life that hold the majority of my good times in college, losing them to London. A place I've only dreamt & heard about, only getting as close as a ticket confirmation to actually going. As Ray and Michelle headed to their foreign adventures of euros, pubs and hot guys/girls, I headed into my second relationship with Jose, full blast, everything out in the open ... our semester of 3 day breakups behind us. I got closer with Justine who would become my housemate, Beth, who would soon leave to a much needed escape from "sorry-cuse," Monique, Robin, who would leave me for London too, and of course, enter into LUCHA full blown.

Being in Syracuse without Ray was quite a transition indeed, despite his MIA status the semester he was actually here. I always said, despite him doing him, it was always nice to know that when midterms kicked hard, i can bitch to him, when my bday came I had the opportunity to see him and when his bday came, I had the chance to pound him, lol. For years, (7 to be in exact), no one has rolled eyes at me more than ray has, and for some reason, I was going to miss that. Michelle of course, there's no one else that can compare to our late night sessions of cock-bashing, -30 degree walks to chinook in nothing but a tank top, and kimmel breaks in Newhouse.

The first semester of last year consisted of adjustment. Majority of my time filled up by Jose, when I did take opportunity to chill with others, it occured to me how much of myself i still have'n't explored. My other sexuality itching to come out, my true indifference to weed and of course, trying it for the first time, and my Public Relations job taking up more interest in my life than ASPIRA ever did. It was semester of fake smiles, empty weekend satisfied only by the warmth of the man next to me, and trying to develop a closer friendship with others that my impatience self can't do fast enough.

Then the summer time can 8-). I had my first A in Computer Science.... ever .... Ray n Mich were coming back ( eventually, right Ray? ), and a summer fullfill with 40 hour a week paychecks. of course, with every good thing there's a bad.

My relationship that I'd grown ridiculously accustomed to for 4 months finally came to it's turning point. He was graduating and I was just learning objects. Though I say we broke up in May, our emotions kept our fights and struggles intact well into the fall.

Lessons (Haiku)
choosing to love me
is just like counting the stars
captive, but crazy

Despite all that, I had the crappiest time working in McD's for the first month, but it paid my first months rent, lol. Now that Jose had got back to syracuse to finish wat he started and I had a new place to hang out and meet people, it was the beginning of a fresh start. As with most jobs, it was quiet for me at first, but with time, everyone there were mad cool, and I already had a crush ;-) in CR. moving on physically is seperate from moving on emotionally ... of course. There was a slight detour with my trip up to Syracuse with Monique and Ray, that would of course, be the cause of the demise of a few friendships. Jose and I decided to take a friendship to a whole new level, lol.

Jose and Ray expressing their love for me in our Summer Trip to da Cuse, touching aint it?

ANd of course, we cannot forget the Memorable Harold and Kumar movie that never made fast
food the same again. We saw it in Syracuse during our trip, and when ray and i got home, the only thing we could think of doing? Going to White Castle, so we made the journey to 125th, east side, from da bronx

Ray satisfying his White Castle Crave



Kumar and I sharing a moment at White Castle

Then came the working age of Charlotte Russe (CR).

CR had provided me with the simple luxury of starting over in a whole new environment, a glimpse of what I can do in Syracuse, a place where I'm more comfortable. CR, a retail store was the #1 CR store in the country. I came into the most competitive, fastest stellar sellers in the country, and I was striving to make my place in a world full of fashion, fake smiles, and pretend knowledge of color schemes.

Not only that, it gave me some money in the pocket to party with my boootyful friends :-)

Tipsy on the train on a hot summer day

All in all, despite late night conversations fulled with tears and laughter, that summer was an adventurous one indeed.

Fall 2004

I sometimes like to put titles on things that happen in my life "The Era of ..." "The Beginning of ...", personally i like to overuse the word Era.

This semester was the semester of truths. THe harsh realities of wat life can really throw at you when you get careless. I won't go into it because i don't like reminicing about bad stuffus, but wat came out of it, was a stronger me... i think. My self control went from non exisent, to high on guard. My typical heart break was more of a soul breaking, and of course, the infatuation gone mad ... might be still going ...

along with the ultimate shoula woulda couldas. If only I had known what could have been...

Ironically, i have less memories to share this past semester than the summer and spring... but i think it'sunderstandable...

SO LONG FOLKS!
Zulay