Ever feel like something's not completely right... but rather your on the verge of losing it, and your just waiting for someone to do something stupid just so that you release all your anger out on them? THat's kinda how I feel right about now.

I feel like there's a huge gap between last year's class and this year's incoming class, with regards to student activity. Last night and there were zip sophmores and 1.1% juniors and 2.1% seniors. 2.2% alumni and 94.7% freshman. Like, seriously, it's been this way for a minute. Somethings' up with that.

I hate the fact that my heart still jumps when I see you online. I dislike that feeling immensely. I'd like it to go away.

I'd like to start from scratch if I could coming back next semester. This sesmter was by far the worst of my college career. And i'm not the only one that feels like that either. BOO. Dare I say.... can it get any worse?

But lets not complain. I'm still alive... I had some great memories to make up for alot. Met more people than i woulda thought.

I saw people more times this weekend than i've seen all semester. It was weird. But i was ok with it. thanks god... which is more than i can say about one girl in particular. You a damn sophmore buddy.... time to stop acting like a 2 year old and stop giving me dirty looks. meanie.

ok.... WORK!!!!!!! AHHHHHH

Count down till going home begins.....

paz
Zu

Thanksgiving Week....week cuz i left last monday not wednesday like everyone else.

Last week, Monday rolled around, I woke up to about 3 phone calls, 13 emails, and 5000 bills I haven't paid. I took one look in the mirror and I told myself, I need to go home.

I called a few people, see if they could squeeze me into a car earlier than Wednesday with no luck. So i used my last resort and called my mom. She heard my voice and I sed to go to Greyhound and put it on the familu credit card - "Just get home TONIGHT" So i did.

Before that though, I needed to leave with a clean slate in regards to a few aspects in my life. I handled my financial situation, I did my organization stuff, I told one of my friends something i'd been holding back from her for so long (which btw, ended better than I expected), and let go of a guy that in any other place or time frame I wouldn't have put on pause so quickly. Blessing and a curse in disguise.... i hope. I hate missing out on grand opportunities for new experiences and adventures. It was so hard to do everything I needed to do in less than 6 hours before I had to pack up and leave behind the fall semester to go home, and pick up where I left off this summer. Going home for me this Thanksgiving was like going back in time, back to the end of the summer before everything that happened this semester happened. Not that I could ever forget, for I had constant reminders in my heart, body, and mind. But the difference was, I could go back to a place where I was unconditionally loved.

I always manage to forget how that feels when I come to the cuse. Not to put down any of my friends or anything. It's never about them, it's about me. My self esteem and worth manages to get tested and I... I always manage to fail. Going home reminds me that there will be people to go home to. THe one thought that keeps me up at night is that these people won't be around forever. Who will be there when my family is gone?

Anyway, enough of that. It was a good week overall. I went back to Charlotte Russe (CR) to fill out rehire paper work and ended up working that same day, lol. Can we say desperate? I always felt appreciated in that store. I felt like more of team there, than i ever did in McDonald's. A bit silly of me to think, i know. My managers all took advantage of me and made me stay for a full 8 hours that day. THen to work a 10 hours shift on BLACK FRIDAY. I never seen so many people in that store on one day!! our average sale number in a day is like 35,000.... we made 75,000 that day alone!!!! I helped :-) lol.

Of course after my 10 hour shift, did I go home? fuck no!! I went to One Fish, Two Fish, otherwise known as "The Fish" to my sister and her crew. She calls me up just as i'm leaving CR and tells me to meet here there in 20 minutes. Of course, being the tired fucker i was like... i was like OK! It was my first experiece in a real live bar, with a crowd at least 10 years older than me, and it was fun as fuck! fortunately my sister knew people in this spot since she's a regular. It's like her Cheers! Everyone knows her name. So naturally, she introduces me as her sister, and here comes the free drinks!! :-D I got sooooooo trashed. i loved it. let's hear it for Red Devils!! I met this boy named Ray. this boy was like 30 something btw. Catherine doll (the sister) told me that he's a regular at the fish but never really spoke to him. He apperantly was intrigued with my hair when he then tried to stroke and i'm like, no no no - the hair is sacred, lol. I was so drunk by then. Gave me his number and stuff. It was funny cuz i'm like, yea, i wont be back for 3 weeks, and i'm def. at least 10 years younger than yea... IT AINT GONNA WORK BUDDY. but hey, let's suck this weel dry shall we?Get him to buy me drink until he realizes it aint gonna happen :-D Cute, but evil :-D

The ride back to Syracuse was a fun but dreaded one :-\. Coming back to Syracuse meant coming back to face the situations! boo. It was the first time I left home in 3 years that I teared up. My nephew said bye to me and sed "I wish you weren't so smart, so you can stay here and teach me to be smart like you. THen I can go with you to college" my heart broke. My nephew is the one man in my life that I'm absolutely sure that I will love forever and ever.... and who's worth it. :-) Justin Tyler Olivo...

So it took us fucking 7 hours to get back up here. While johnny punched buggied Justine so many times and we moved @ 5 mph, I had some time to think and finish readin my book. My first book by Esmerelda Santiago. (wasn't too impressed btw, i'll give her one chance). We went to iHop were our waiter was no older than 16 with braces. Latino, and not to be unnoticed, I left him a nice tip for being too cute. You could tell he was nervous , so either it was his first day, our Justine and I exuded too much beauty for him to handle. lol. I was tempted to write my number down on the bill i left, but I sed nah.... that would be silly. Silly thoughts run through my head all the time.

I erased a few numbers in my phone book this weekend. It's kinda weird. I was drunk doing it of course. Don't let friend drink and dial people. I'm through with that shit. I feel bad afterwards, but i'm glad now that it's not anything too severe. I've decided that the call I made on Friday was a silly and pointless call. but just a pretense of what might happened if I had gotten drunk and been sad about it. Oh boy. So to spare people of my silliness, i've spared them of their name in my book. Doesn't mean i'm blocking them, cuz please believe, if one of these cats actually calls me, i'm sure as hell picking up! lol. But drunk, i'm lucky if i can find my own feet let alone a number!

ok, time to do work. There's my blog. PEACE.

"Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet"
Three Days Grace - "Everything About You"

I came home because I was tired of being reminded of everything that happened this semester. I'm tired of being so stressed about bills, and boys, and business. It's not like I can help myself, you know? It's difficult to control your actions when there's so much thats tempting to touch. iPod's, green guys, tree huggers, SA funding, etc. Car accidents, black-outs and the introduction of Tequila.

So, Ray, Sarah, Michelle and I experienced a lovely accident on Friday night. We were all ok and the biggest pain of the night was not only the bitch that hit us being a complete ass about it, but being the hospital for hours afterwards. Not that I really needed to go, but I could hear my mother's head in the back of my mind.

I haven't been open with my mom as of late, like I had planned to.... but at the same time, she's never known so much about me since I was kid. My mom has no idea of the shit *note, not drama, SHIT* that I went through this semester. My acedemic situation, my emotional situation, and my health situation. But at the same time.... she knows everything else. She knows about my organization and how much I really don't want to see it falter. She knows about the car accident, and about my gentlemen situation and all that, but there are alot of blanks that I never filled in. Everything intertwines, and though she knows about as much as everyone else looking from the outside in, I know she knows there's alot more things deep into my situaion that I refuse to let go. It's hard to tell your mom the mistakes you make as an adolesence. Of course reflective of our relationship as mother and daughter, and also how I am with most of the word. I won't bother you with a burden of mine if not needed. People used to hate it when I'd be hate on my period when i be on the pill and not tell them until i get my period. Wat the fuck is the point of having us both worry? relax! let me deal with it myself.... i'll let u in when the time is right.

btw, i am late again. I guess even on the pill, my body refuses to be regular!!! lol

Freaking, I'm so tired of myself and the way I behave. Fortunately, I do have alot more motivating me NOT to do bad things. But I don't think it's enough... shit, can i stop whining and move on with my life? chalk it up and add it to the board of life, then move on!

I was looking at jose's xanga (shh, dun tell him lol) and he has this nice little thingie where you tell 15 people things you'd wanna tell them and mention any names, and I thought to myself... isn't that what we normally do on xanga anyway? just not listed and not at once? lol. Then i though, shit do i even have 15 people in my to tell shit to? :-\ how depressing. But i think i came up with them. If you can figure out with is your u get a prize!! lol

Fifteen People

1. It's amazing how two people can be so distant with each other, but pick up right were we left off every single time. WHenever one of us rings it's always a delightful surprise ;-). Whenever we do talk, we have this stupidly amazing conversation, which we're both able to catch up on each other's lives cutting out thebullshit in a way i haven't figured out with anyone else. Looking forward to our next adventure :-)

2. From being practical strangers, and me nearly wanting to resent you for the rest of my life, things sure have changed between us. I couldn't have asked for anything better between us though. I guess age did us well huh? ilu "watever tommorrow brings, i'll be there"

3. I've never forgtton the times we've had, the experiences we shared, and how great it was to just be with you. Despite what everyone may or may not says about our relationship, past or present, I never lost sight of the beauty we could have had. Unfortunately pride, insecurity and fear got the better of us, and to this day still is. I can only hope that time will be kind and see us through to at least a steady friendship. You and I both know that any pain I cause is never intentional, and vice versa. You were my decision, and no one else's, and will never regret it, i only regret not knowing how to handle it... because until they see what i see, feel what i felt, until they've seen what i saw, they'll never understand why i never left.

4. I've told you before that your one of a kind in my life, and though we have our differences and we've made our mistakes with each other, I'm glad i chose to to trust your friendship, the way i did. I only hope that you understand were I am as of late and hang on to the ridiculous times we have, and the serious talks that get me through my day sometimes. I hope i have that same impact on ya ;-) . have faith in us hun! AIP baby...

5. I like the way that you can randomly show affection and appreciation to me, despite ur dissapearances, and mine. I love the way we are together when its just me and you, though i truely think you be having ADD sometimes. Or you just self-centered at time... two of those arent good :-P but, it's been fun and yo son.. maybe we can be more that friends sometime... too hype? yea i think so...

6. From summerstart to the dreaded sisterhood. We're a weirdo duo that get alot well. Though i notice that we act differently towards each other when we're with people, with sisters and when we're by ourselves. But i got nuttin but luv 4 ya. Stop being a stranger devil angel! holla

7. The love of my life. My reason for living. If you left my life too soon, I'd be a complete mess. With just your birth, you brought so much to my heart and life, and i will continue to steer you in the right direction, no matter what. J to the Z, baby.

8. It's a shame that it had to come to this. If it wasn't us complaining about the rape we get in ECS, it was complaining how we get gyped everywhere else. I still dont' understand why this happened, and know that i still think about you, and how much has changed since last year. I only hope our friendship was revolved around one person. Hope to talk to you soon...

9. I remember when I first met you. To this day, our main topic of conversation is alcohol and how much boys suck. It's cool though, i talk enough politics with everyone else lol. Mucho amor 4 ya hun. Let's see where this friendship takes us.

10. At any other time, I would have never let you go, but circumstances have made it that two selfish people need to clean their act before they can add anyone on their agenda. I've never met anyone like you, and it's going to be an interesting relationship we have after this... I do hope their is at least a friendship left over. Your humor and my sarcasm made one uncanny duo. THIS SUCKS! truth be told, I was looking for too much out of you. More than you ready or willing to give. because i guess you licking my balls wasn't enough. lol Its all gravy baby, like old navy! But, dun u dare try to forget me... no way I can let go of that humor!! kcaballoh!

11. If someone woulda asked me two years ago if we'd be in the relationship we're in, I woulda said you was CRAZY.... DERANGED!!! but we're here, and a few million psycho analysis later, we're closer than we've ever been. Your still the same weirdo i met freshman year, but i've grown to luv ya for it :-D. I hope you appreciate our late night talks as i have. Let's hope we stick to our guns and give in to temptation!! DO IT! Suck on this cigarette my darling! Life is shit, get to know this!!

12. For years, we've had tough times, but somehow we manage to forgive each other and keep each other as friends. WE'VE been through shit. lol. ttyl hun, promise.

13. Lucky number 13. Shit man, what the fuck else can I say about you buddy? Your my brother. I hate you!! but i love you!! Ah~ wat a torn feeling. lol. What else can we expect in the remainder of the year? I can say this: I can't see myself going through all this without you. aw, tears :-). It all makes sense. MUAHZ~ ::presses thumbs::

14. The first, the only. I hope one day our lives can intertwine again. But until then.... good luck sweetie. I will always love you.

15. Since the halls of Tech, to the hills of the Cuse... we've been through mucho and have a special relationship. ;-) make me proud boy!!



Hee hee..... that's my piece. I've now officially waste a bunch of time. :-D

hee hee, just cuz!

You Are the Investigator

5 You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker. You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does. Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations. You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.

What number are you?

"Holla Holla Holla....
Maybe ... it's me... maybe i bore you?"
John Legend, - "Used to Love You"

Ever take a step back to look at yourself and realize that everything in life has changed, for better or worse, and yet nothing about you has truely changed? You've just taken on a different attitude...

I can't say I will ever know how it feels to humble. I've never had a chance to do so. Ever since I was young I was raised to think I was better than the rest of my surrounding peers. Starting with family. Since I was about 12, i was supposed to be this huge fucking prodigy that would surpass my siblings, since they didnt turn out the way my mother dearest wanted them to turn out. So i was put into all kinds of programs for the gifted and was treated like fucking royalty all throughout elementary school. Then junior high school came and i realized i wasn't the queen of washington heights and was like, well fuck that shit, and I haven't gotten straight As since.

I hate the fact that theres no competition with my cousins when it comes to shit like this. Everyone inmy family are so fucked up and they fuck up their kids so that everyone is in this never ending cycle of dead end jobs and are always complaining about something. All the aunts and uncles ofthe family called me wat? prodigio. (prodigy for the spanish impaired) Of fuckin wat? U need a former expert to have a fucking prodigy. I never really took a look back to realize wat that really did to me.

The love life aint help either. Like i always say, i never regret anything i do in my life, because that would be a waste. Everything happens for a reason, and i'd like to keep it that way. But the boy toys i had ended up being an intricate part of my everyday life and friends and business intertwined and i dun think i'm cut out for that type of committment.

I wish I knew how to humble myself into thinking that the world isn't out to get me, and that I'm really ok all things considered and that there aren't always alterior motives behind everyone's actions. That I don't always dwell on every single shit that people do to me, because the next day I wake up and realize that it's all a bunch of bull and it's not that serious. The guy(s) in my life are there and serve a purpose in my life, and I will always be grateful for that. And if there is potential for something more, then God will see that it plays out that way. If not, then all i can do is be grateful and move on with the vida. :-)

Yes, I've gotten a tad more spiritual with God and Jesus... I think our "understanding" contract is beginning to expire and I'm going to start acknowledging Him in my life again. Because having faith is believing in something when common sense tells u not to. No there is no formal proof that God exists, so common sense tells me not to put so much into it.. but there is no proof that he doesn't. And as one little girl and her father explains it so well, in a movie called "Corina, Corina,"

father: Sweetie, God and angels and Heaven is all something that people make up to make themselves feel better when bad things happen. It doesn't change anything, it just makes them think it'll all get better.
daughter: ... well... what's wrong with that?

Theres nothing wrong with believing in something that makes you feel better. I don't believe that if I stop praying for a day that i'm go to hell... ish... i'm going already if thats true. So for all my athiests, u do ur thing, i'll do mine. :-D Reality is, nothing is guarenteed, but ignorance is bliss .... so in this regard, i'll be ignorant... I know i have no control over the way things happen, but i do have control over the way i feel. "You can't change things that happen, just how you react to them" (zen, though i feel like i got that quote wrong)

I think i lost a friend this semester.... or at least someone i would have wanted to be better friends with. I feel terrible partly because I think I missed out on a great friendship, partly because I know that he won't care how I feel anyway, partly because this isn't the type of guy that you'd wanna be enemies with, partly because I loved talking to him and I think he'd be a great person to know in the futuro. I've never meant to intentionally hurt anyone this semester, and in fact strive to not ever... but i know i've hurt alot of my close friends by the things i do, and i wanna say sorry to everyone. to those who cut me off and to those that stuck by me, and thank you for all that you did, done and tried to do for me. If you knew what I was going through emotinally, psychologically, I think you'd understand. If you don't, I bid you farewell and hope you took as much happiness from me, that i took from you.

Nayro, you're always on mind, and one of the few people I will always consider my friend, despite the fact that we take communication breaks all the time. Know that I am proud of you and all that you accomplish in college, and admire the way you stay strong in your household (despite the arguement we'll have on that comment ;-) ), and always have faith that eventually our lives will collide together again, and catch up so that age won't ever matter again. And soon, i will let you know what's good with me, because the only reason i've kept you in the dark recently is because I don't want to you be burdened by my issues. despite your arguements to that comment as well, I've always tried to protect you from the shit that i do... I can only ask that you understand me, and stick with me... I shout you out because there's no one in syracuse that knows our situation like we do. :-* love ya hun. (yes i sed hun :-D)

we're all so fucked up it's ridiculous. (to dick again... alot.... write just?:-) )

PAZ
Zulay

Since the last time i've posted, I've been going through some fucking bullshit. There's a difference between personal shit and drama. Originally I was going through straight up drama... people talking about me behind my back, on a personal level of course, people talking to other people about me... of course.... and all I can say for that... is that you should know better. I mean... if YOU feel like if I say/write/do something that can potentionally hurt one of YOUR friends.... AND u happen to know me... then do me a favor... talk to ME about what you THINK I was writing about that is perceived to be hurtful to OUR friend. Cuz u may just be wrong and putting OUR friend through unnecessary DRAMA. Personally, I think in doing that, YOU are doing that shit PURPOSELY to actually HURT OUR friend more than help them.

It's a double standard. I personally don't like it when MY friends point things out to me that are subtle in a conversation/blog/action that may be intended to hurt me. U don't know that. You don't know if it's about me... if it means anything or any type of shit like that. UNLESS my name ZULAY/ZU/Miss OlIvOis said at some point then YOU nor I will ever truely know what that shit is about. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. it's not worth it people. It's just not. Stick to what you know and hopefully you won't create DRAMA.

But honestly... it's human nature and I understand it. I have to, no? I love that people that be hypocritical to not only others but them-damn-selves too. I can say I've been victum to what I just chastized half my readers up above there. If I think u talking shit about my good ole buddy ole pal? yes, in certain cases I'ma tell my good ole buddy ole pal. LOYALTY. Loyalty gets put in a sticky situation when DRAMA is in involved. I love loyalty and I think it's the one thing I've always admired in the friends I truely call friends, and the guys I can truely say I dated.

It seems for the past week since I wrote that last entry that all I've been doing is saying sorry to people. Sorry for LUCHA, sorry for friends, sorry for the boys that have entered n reentered my life time n time again, sorry for myself.... in no particular order except maybe a subconscience one. This past week, like i sed earlier my DRAMA became Personal SHIT. Like shit that i didnt need, but ... shit that showed me that the DRAMA in my life... didn't mean as much as it supposedly did. cliche'd i kno... The SHIT i went through and still feeling, and will FOREVER feel, showed me that it could always be worse. That watever I'm going through, thats not truely life threatening.. is not worth threatening your life. I was done ready to give up alot of things in my life. My jobs, my schoolwork, even my friends. Just to keep my organization, my other friends, and my potential.

In fact I did give up most of those things... 2 jobs, 2 classes and a few friends later, this is where I am.... I didn't get to keep my organization... i chose to stick with it because I believe in it more than I believe in alot of what goes on here on campus. I didn't get to keep my other friends because the cold hard reality is that I am no longer a priority in their life, nor are they a priority in mine. Shit happens and I recognized it... it's just a matter of time before they realize it too. The only chance we have is if we admit defeat and start over. And right now my potential is lookin bleak and I have lost hope for it....& not because I think it's already gone, but because the possibly of it being gone has increased it's chances... I have to expect the worst.

Expect the worst. It's a contradiction between the "it could always be worse" theory. Sure, it could always be worse, but that doesn't ease the fact that it's still BAD NOW. Geezy. I'd rather stick to the expectations of the "expect the worst" theory. It's flawed but I'd rather think I know what the worst is for myself..... blah.

On a happier note: Though psychologically, i'm still pretty fucked up, physically I'm doing alot better, mentally, I'm a lil more focused. I've managed to have a conversation with my ex that was ooozing friendship and it did not keep me up at night like it used to. It was actually friendly conversation. nice. My other ex and I still going through our deal but I've put that on pause because he's being stupid. Sorry buddy.

My friends that are still around have eased alot of the shit I've been going through nicely and I spank you guys for that.

And my love life, like i sed, is being put on temporary hold until further notice. Which, for the first time in a long time, I'm ok with. Whew.

Oh look, I actually wrote an entry.... fun...

CAFE CON LECHE TIME 8-)

I'm zulay bitch!!!!! lol

Girl I never thought lovin' you would hurt
(I did everything I could and would to make it work)
Girl you should have told me you had second thoughts
(Like before I put the down on the house we bought)
Now I'm thinkin you and me was a mistake
(Then it hits me and I missing all the love we made)
Girl I know I'm we've been going through some things, yeah
(But the sun is always shinning even when it rains. oh)
I'll be the one you kick it to
I'll be the one that misses you
I'll be the one to ease your pain
I'll be the one you want to gain
and you'll be the one who can't forget
You'll be the one that's innocent
You'll be the one I can't hide
You'll be the one that makes me cry, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (why you do)
How you gonna act like that (why you gotta act like that)
How you gonna change it up,(whoa, ho baby)
we just finishedmaking up
How you gonna act like that (but I need you)

How you gonna act like we (oh) don't makin' love(whoa, baby, baby)
You know we be tearing it up, Breaking stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, How could you forget
How you gonna act like that

You know I'm willing to do anything
Just to keep you in my heart {Keep you in my heart}
I messed around and gave up everything
I thought we'd never part (yes, I did, baby)
I was a player and I made the choice to give my heart to you
....

Love is a bitch

I can say truely and deeply that you can never stop loving someone. To this day, the 1st jose i went out with is still in my heart all the time. And there always be things that remind me of him. However, a couple of guys later, I think of him from once every two weeks to maybe even a month. he's still in my heart and I'm glad he's not in this school, cuz I prolly would have killed him, if not myself.

But now see, i understand why there are frigid woman in the world. I believe that just because u break up with someone, it doens't mean that you stop loving them. HOWEVER, if they turn out to not be the person you fell in love with, you best believe that you can sure as hell fall out of love. bitch.

I'm extremely bitter and the way my situation turned out, and no i havent released the un censored version of what I'm thinking.... tba later bitches

peace mo fockas

I have a xanga people, lol.

PAZ

www.xanga.com/pocahantaz19