Since the last time i've posted, I've been going through some fucking bullshit. There's a difference between personal shit and drama. Originally I was going through straight up drama... people talking about me behind my back, on a personal level of course, people talking to other people about me... of course.... and all I can say for that... is that you should know better. I mean... if YOU feel like if I say/write/do something that can potentionally hurt one of YOUR friends.... AND u happen to know me... then do me a favor... talk to ME about what you THINK I was writing about that is perceived to be hurtful to OUR friend. Cuz u may just be wrong and putting OUR friend through unnecessary DRAMA. Personally, I think in doing that, YOU are doing that shit PURPOSELY to actually HURT OUR friend more than help them.
It's a double standard. I personally don't like it when MY friends point things out to me that are subtle in a conversation/blog/action that may be intended to hurt me. U don't know that. You don't know if it's about me... if it means anything or any type of shit like that. UNLESS my name ZULAY/ZU/Miss OlIvOis said at some point then YOU nor I will ever truely know what that shit is about. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. it's not worth it people. It's just not. Stick to what you know and hopefully you won't create DRAMA.
But honestly... it's human nature and I understand it. I have to, no? I love that people that be hypocritical to not only others but them-damn-selves too. I can say I've been victum to what I just chastized half my readers up above there. If I think u talking shit about my good ole buddy ole pal? yes, in certain cases I'ma tell my good ole buddy ole pal. LOYALTY. Loyalty gets put in a sticky situation when DRAMA is in involved. I love loyalty and I think it's the one thing I've always admired in the friends I truely call friends, and the guys I can truely say I dated.
It seems for the past week since I wrote that last entry that all I've been doing is saying sorry to people. Sorry for LUCHA, sorry for friends, sorry for the boys that have entered n reentered my life time n time again, sorry for myself.... in no particular order except maybe a subconscience one. This past week, like i sed earlier my DRAMA became Personal SHIT. Like shit that i didnt need, but ... shit that showed me that the DRAMA in my life... didn't mean as much as it supposedly did. cliche'd i kno... The SHIT i went through and still feeling, and will FOREVER feel, showed me that it could always be worse. That watever I'm going through, thats not truely life threatening.. is not worth threatening your life. I was done ready to give up alot of things in my life. My jobs, my schoolwork, even my friends. Just to keep my organization, my other friends, and my potential.
In fact I did give up most of those things... 2 jobs, 2 classes and a few friends later, this is where I am.... I didn't get to keep my organization... i chose to stick with it because I believe in it more than I believe in alot of what goes on here on campus. I didn't get to keep my other friends because the cold hard reality is that I am no longer a priority in their life, nor are they a priority in mine. Shit happens and I recognized it... it's just a matter of time before they realize it too. The only chance we have is if we admit defeat and start over. And right now my potential is lookin bleak and I have lost hope for it....& not because I think it's already gone, but because the possibly of it being gone has increased it's chances... I have to expect the worst.
Expect the worst. It's a contradiction between the "it could always be worse" theory. Sure, it could always be worse, but that doesn't ease the fact that it's still BAD NOW. Geezy. I'd rather stick to the expectations of the "expect the worst" theory. It's flawed but I'd rather think I know what the worst is for myself..... blah.
On a happier note: Though psychologically, i'm still pretty fucked up, physically I'm doing alot better, mentally, I'm a lil more focused. I've managed to have a conversation with my ex that was ooozing friendship and it did not keep me up at night like it used to. It was actually friendly conversation. nice. My other ex and I still going through our deal but I've put that on pause because he's being stupid. Sorry buddy.
My friends that are still around have eased alot of the shit I've been going through nicely and I spank you guys for that.
And my love life, like i sed, is being put on temporary hold until further notice. Which, for the first time in a long time, I'm ok with. Whew.
Oh look, I actually wrote an entry.... fun...
CAFE CON LECHE TIME 8-)
I'm zulay bitch!!!!! lol
1 comment:
Your potential might look bleak to you but it's there. I know it's weird, I'm writing and commenting and stuff but hey, at least give me props for knowing when to speak out. I love you, you know that and I'm here even though I might not be one of those friends to get you through shit cuz I'm not in your school so it's like I'm not around, but I see you. I've seen you for 4 years, going through shit and doubting yourself and making some bad choices and some bad calls, but in the meanwhile you're defining yourself. Your potential is only as big as you give yourself credit for, and from me you have a lot of credit. Never lose faith in yourself, I never will in you. As far as drama, it's a necessary part of life, people just bring drama with them everywhere but it's not the important part of life, the important part is the friendships and the connections you make throughout. Keep that in mind. Love you lots babes and always remember if you ever need to talk, I'm all ears.
Nayro
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