I have a tendency to make things mine despite it's appropriateness.

It's been an interesting Beginning of the year as i venture into new ground with myself. Taking a look back at the year, I don't think I've ever had such a long ass year. Starting with the feeling of semi independence, never thinking twice about anyone being in my life, and still utter confusion about my major.

After the New Year's celebration of 2004 died down, I had to face the sorrow of letting go of two people in my life that hold the majority of my good times in college, losing them to London. A place I've only dreamt & heard about, only getting as close as a ticket confirmation to actually going. As Ray and Michelle headed to their foreign adventures of euros, pubs and hot guys/girls, I headed into my second relationship with Jose, full blast, everything out in the open ... our semester of 3 day breakups behind us. I got closer with Justine who would become my housemate, Beth, who would soon leave to a much needed escape from "sorry-cuse," Monique, Robin, who would leave me for London too, and of course, enter into LUCHA full blown.

Being in Syracuse without Ray was quite a transition indeed, despite his MIA status the semester he was actually here. I always said, despite him doing him, it was always nice to know that when midterms kicked hard, i can bitch to him, when my bday came I had the opportunity to see him and when his bday came, I had the chance to pound him, lol. For years, (7 to be in exact), no one has rolled eyes at me more than ray has, and for some reason, I was going to miss that. Michelle of course, there's no one else that can compare to our late night sessions of cock-bashing, -30 degree walks to chinook in nothing but a tank top, and kimmel breaks in Newhouse.

The first semester of last year consisted of adjustment. Majority of my time filled up by Jose, when I did take opportunity to chill with others, it occured to me how much of myself i still have'n't explored. My other sexuality itching to come out, my true indifference to weed and of course, trying it for the first time, and my Public Relations job taking up more interest in my life than ASPIRA ever did. It was semester of fake smiles, empty weekend satisfied only by the warmth of the man next to me, and trying to develop a closer friendship with others that my impatience self can't do fast enough.

Then the summer time can 8-). I had my first A in Computer Science.... ever .... Ray n Mich were coming back ( eventually, right Ray? ), and a summer fullfill with 40 hour a week paychecks. of course, with every good thing there's a bad.

My relationship that I'd grown ridiculously accustomed to for 4 months finally came to it's turning point. He was graduating and I was just learning objects. Though I say we broke up in May, our emotions kept our fights and struggles intact well into the fall.

Lessons (Haiku)
choosing to love me
is just like counting the stars
captive, but crazy

Despite all that, I had the crappiest time working in McD's for the first month, but it paid my first months rent, lol. Now that Jose had got back to syracuse to finish wat he started and I had a new place to hang out and meet people, it was the beginning of a fresh start. As with most jobs, it was quiet for me at first, but with time, everyone there were mad cool, and I already had a crush ;-) in CR. moving on physically is seperate from moving on emotionally ... of course. There was a slight detour with my trip up to Syracuse with Monique and Ray, that would of course, be the cause of the demise of a few friendships. Jose and I decided to take a friendship to a whole new level, lol.

Jose and Ray expressing their love for me in our Summer Trip to da Cuse, touching aint it?

ANd of course, we cannot forget the Memorable Harold and Kumar movie that never made fast
food the same again. We saw it in Syracuse during our trip, and when ray and i got home, the only thing we could think of doing? Going to White Castle, so we made the journey to 125th, east side, from da bronx

Ray satisfying his White Castle Crave



Kumar and I sharing a moment at White Castle

Then came the working age of Charlotte Russe (CR).

CR had provided me with the simple luxury of starting over in a whole new environment, a glimpse of what I can do in Syracuse, a place where I'm more comfortable. CR, a retail store was the #1 CR store in the country. I came into the most competitive, fastest stellar sellers in the country, and I was striving to make my place in a world full of fashion, fake smiles, and pretend knowledge of color schemes.

Not only that, it gave me some money in the pocket to party with my boootyful friends :-)

Tipsy on the train on a hot summer day

All in all, despite late night conversations fulled with tears and laughter, that summer was an adventurous one indeed.

Fall 2004

I sometimes like to put titles on things that happen in my life "The Era of ..." "The Beginning of ...", personally i like to overuse the word Era.

This semester was the semester of truths. THe harsh realities of wat life can really throw at you when you get careless. I won't go into it because i don't like reminicing about bad stuffus, but wat came out of it, was a stronger me... i think. My self control went from non exisent, to high on guard. My typical heart break was more of a soul breaking, and of course, the infatuation gone mad ... might be still going ...

along with the ultimate shoula woulda couldas. If only I had known what could have been...

Ironically, i have less memories to share this past semester than the summer and spring... but i think it'sunderstandable...

SO LONG FOLKS!
Zulay

Ever feel like something's not completely right... but rather your on the verge of losing it, and your just waiting for someone to do something stupid just so that you release all your anger out on them? THat's kinda how I feel right about now.

I feel like there's a huge gap between last year's class and this year's incoming class, with regards to student activity. Last night and there were zip sophmores and 1.1% juniors and 2.1% seniors. 2.2% alumni and 94.7% freshman. Like, seriously, it's been this way for a minute. Somethings' up with that.

I hate the fact that my heart still jumps when I see you online. I dislike that feeling immensely. I'd like it to go away.

I'd like to start from scratch if I could coming back next semester. This sesmter was by far the worst of my college career. And i'm not the only one that feels like that either. BOO. Dare I say.... can it get any worse?

But lets not complain. I'm still alive... I had some great memories to make up for alot. Met more people than i woulda thought.

I saw people more times this weekend than i've seen all semester. It was weird. But i was ok with it. thanks god... which is more than i can say about one girl in particular. You a damn sophmore buddy.... time to stop acting like a 2 year old and stop giving me dirty looks. meanie.

ok.... WORK!!!!!!! AHHHHHH

Count down till going home begins.....

paz
Zu

Thanksgiving Week....week cuz i left last monday not wednesday like everyone else.

Last week, Monday rolled around, I woke up to about 3 phone calls, 13 emails, and 5000 bills I haven't paid. I took one look in the mirror and I told myself, I need to go home.

I called a few people, see if they could squeeze me into a car earlier than Wednesday with no luck. So i used my last resort and called my mom. She heard my voice and I sed to go to Greyhound and put it on the familu credit card - "Just get home TONIGHT" So i did.

Before that though, I needed to leave with a clean slate in regards to a few aspects in my life. I handled my financial situation, I did my organization stuff, I told one of my friends something i'd been holding back from her for so long (which btw, ended better than I expected), and let go of a guy that in any other place or time frame I wouldn't have put on pause so quickly. Blessing and a curse in disguise.... i hope. I hate missing out on grand opportunities for new experiences and adventures. It was so hard to do everything I needed to do in less than 6 hours before I had to pack up and leave behind the fall semester to go home, and pick up where I left off this summer. Going home for me this Thanksgiving was like going back in time, back to the end of the summer before everything that happened this semester happened. Not that I could ever forget, for I had constant reminders in my heart, body, and mind. But the difference was, I could go back to a place where I was unconditionally loved.

I always manage to forget how that feels when I come to the cuse. Not to put down any of my friends or anything. It's never about them, it's about me. My self esteem and worth manages to get tested and I... I always manage to fail. Going home reminds me that there will be people to go home to. THe one thought that keeps me up at night is that these people won't be around forever. Who will be there when my family is gone?

Anyway, enough of that. It was a good week overall. I went back to Charlotte Russe (CR) to fill out rehire paper work and ended up working that same day, lol. Can we say desperate? I always felt appreciated in that store. I felt like more of team there, than i ever did in McDonald's. A bit silly of me to think, i know. My managers all took advantage of me and made me stay for a full 8 hours that day. THen to work a 10 hours shift on BLACK FRIDAY. I never seen so many people in that store on one day!! our average sale number in a day is like 35,000.... we made 75,000 that day alone!!!! I helped :-) lol.

Of course after my 10 hour shift, did I go home? fuck no!! I went to One Fish, Two Fish, otherwise known as "The Fish" to my sister and her crew. She calls me up just as i'm leaving CR and tells me to meet here there in 20 minutes. Of course, being the tired fucker i was like... i was like OK! It was my first experiece in a real live bar, with a crowd at least 10 years older than me, and it was fun as fuck! fortunately my sister knew people in this spot since she's a regular. It's like her Cheers! Everyone knows her name. So naturally, she introduces me as her sister, and here comes the free drinks!! :-D I got sooooooo trashed. i loved it. let's hear it for Red Devils!! I met this boy named Ray. this boy was like 30 something btw. Catherine doll (the sister) told me that he's a regular at the fish but never really spoke to him. He apperantly was intrigued with my hair when he then tried to stroke and i'm like, no no no - the hair is sacred, lol. I was so drunk by then. Gave me his number and stuff. It was funny cuz i'm like, yea, i wont be back for 3 weeks, and i'm def. at least 10 years younger than yea... IT AINT GONNA WORK BUDDY. but hey, let's suck this weel dry shall we?Get him to buy me drink until he realizes it aint gonna happen :-D Cute, but evil :-D

The ride back to Syracuse was a fun but dreaded one :-\. Coming back to Syracuse meant coming back to face the situations! boo. It was the first time I left home in 3 years that I teared up. My nephew said bye to me and sed "I wish you weren't so smart, so you can stay here and teach me to be smart like you. THen I can go with you to college" my heart broke. My nephew is the one man in my life that I'm absolutely sure that I will love forever and ever.... and who's worth it. :-) Justin Tyler Olivo...

So it took us fucking 7 hours to get back up here. While johnny punched buggied Justine so many times and we moved @ 5 mph, I had some time to think and finish readin my book. My first book by Esmerelda Santiago. (wasn't too impressed btw, i'll give her one chance). We went to iHop were our waiter was no older than 16 with braces. Latino, and not to be unnoticed, I left him a nice tip for being too cute. You could tell he was nervous , so either it was his first day, our Justine and I exuded too much beauty for him to handle. lol. I was tempted to write my number down on the bill i left, but I sed nah.... that would be silly. Silly thoughts run through my head all the time.

I erased a few numbers in my phone book this weekend. It's kinda weird. I was drunk doing it of course. Don't let friend drink and dial people. I'm through with that shit. I feel bad afterwards, but i'm glad now that it's not anything too severe. I've decided that the call I made on Friday was a silly and pointless call. but just a pretense of what might happened if I had gotten drunk and been sad about it. Oh boy. So to spare people of my silliness, i've spared them of their name in my book. Doesn't mean i'm blocking them, cuz please believe, if one of these cats actually calls me, i'm sure as hell picking up! lol. But drunk, i'm lucky if i can find my own feet let alone a number!

ok, time to do work. There's my blog. PEACE.