Since the last time i've posted, I've been going through some fucking bullshit. There's a difference between personal shit and drama. Originally I was going through straight up drama... people talking about me behind my back, on a personal level of course, people talking to other people about me... of course.... and all I can say for that... is that you should know better. I mean... if YOU feel like if I say/write/do something that can potentionally hurt one of YOUR friends.... AND u happen to know me... then do me a favor... talk to ME about what you THINK I was writing about that is perceived to be hurtful to OUR friend. Cuz u may just be wrong and putting OUR friend through unnecessary DRAMA. Personally, I think in doing that, YOU are doing that shit PURPOSELY to actually HURT OUR friend more than help them.

It's a double standard. I personally don't like it when MY friends point things out to me that are subtle in a conversation/blog/action that may be intended to hurt me. U don't know that. You don't know if it's about me... if it means anything or any type of shit like that. UNLESS my name ZULAY/ZU/Miss OlIvOis said at some point then YOU nor I will ever truely know what that shit is about. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. it's not worth it people. It's just not. Stick to what you know and hopefully you won't create DRAMA.

But honestly... it's human nature and I understand it. I have to, no? I love that people that be hypocritical to not only others but them-damn-selves too. I can say I've been victum to what I just chastized half my readers up above there. If I think u talking shit about my good ole buddy ole pal? yes, in certain cases I'ma tell my good ole buddy ole pal. LOYALTY. Loyalty gets put in a sticky situation when DRAMA is in involved. I love loyalty and I think it's the one thing I've always admired in the friends I truely call friends, and the guys I can truely say I dated.

It seems for the past week since I wrote that last entry that all I've been doing is saying sorry to people. Sorry for LUCHA, sorry for friends, sorry for the boys that have entered n reentered my life time n time again, sorry for myself.... in no particular order except maybe a subconscience one. This past week, like i sed earlier my DRAMA became Personal SHIT. Like shit that i didnt need, but ... shit that showed me that the DRAMA in my life... didn't mean as much as it supposedly did. cliche'd i kno... The SHIT i went through and still feeling, and will FOREVER feel, showed me that it could always be worse. That watever I'm going through, thats not truely life threatening.. is not worth threatening your life. I was done ready to give up alot of things in my life. My jobs, my schoolwork, even my friends. Just to keep my organization, my other friends, and my potential.

In fact I did give up most of those things... 2 jobs, 2 classes and a few friends later, this is where I am.... I didn't get to keep my organization... i chose to stick with it because I believe in it more than I believe in alot of what goes on here on campus. I didn't get to keep my other friends because the cold hard reality is that I am no longer a priority in their life, nor are they a priority in mine. Shit happens and I recognized it... it's just a matter of time before they realize it too. The only chance we have is if we admit defeat and start over. And right now my potential is lookin bleak and I have lost hope for it....& not because I think it's already gone, but because the possibly of it being gone has increased it's chances... I have to expect the worst.

Expect the worst. It's a contradiction between the "it could always be worse" theory. Sure, it could always be worse, but that doesn't ease the fact that it's still BAD NOW. Geezy. I'd rather stick to the expectations of the "expect the worst" theory. It's flawed but I'd rather think I know what the worst is for myself..... blah.

On a happier note: Though psychologically, i'm still pretty fucked up, physically I'm doing alot better, mentally, I'm a lil more focused. I've managed to have a conversation with my ex that was ooozing friendship and it did not keep me up at night like it used to. It was actually friendly conversation. nice. My other ex and I still going through our deal but I've put that on pause because he's being stupid. Sorry buddy.

My friends that are still around have eased alot of the shit I've been going through nicely and I spank you guys for that.

And my love life, like i sed, is being put on temporary hold until further notice. Which, for the first time in a long time, I'm ok with. Whew.

Oh look, I actually wrote an entry.... fun...

CAFE CON LECHE TIME 8-)

I'm zulay bitch!!!!! lol

Girl I never thought lovin' you would hurt
(I did everything I could and would to make it work)
Girl you should have told me you had second thoughts
(Like before I put the down on the house we bought)
Now I'm thinkin you and me was a mistake
(Then it hits me and I missing all the love we made)
Girl I know I'm we've been going through some things, yeah
(But the sun is always shinning even when it rains. oh)
I'll be the one you kick it to
I'll be the one that misses you
I'll be the one to ease your pain
I'll be the one you want to gain
and you'll be the one who can't forget
You'll be the one that's innocent
You'll be the one I can't hide
You'll be the one that makes me cry, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (why you do)
How you gonna act like that (why you gotta act like that)
How you gonna change it up,(whoa, ho baby)
we just finishedmaking up
How you gonna act like that (but I need you)

How you gonna act like we (oh) don't makin' love(whoa, baby, baby)
You know we be tearing it up, Breaking stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, How could you forget
How you gonna act like that

You know I'm willing to do anything
Just to keep you in my heart {Keep you in my heart}
I messed around and gave up everything
I thought we'd never part (yes, I did, baby)
I was a player and I made the choice to give my heart to you
....

Love is a bitch

I can say truely and deeply that you can never stop loving someone. To this day, the 1st jose i went out with is still in my heart all the time. And there always be things that remind me of him. However, a couple of guys later, I think of him from once every two weeks to maybe even a month. he's still in my heart and I'm glad he's not in this school, cuz I prolly would have killed him, if not myself.

But now see, i understand why there are frigid woman in the world. I believe that just because u break up with someone, it doens't mean that you stop loving them. HOWEVER, if they turn out to not be the person you fell in love with, you best believe that you can sure as hell fall out of love. bitch.

I'm extremely bitter and the way my situation turned out, and no i havent released the un censored version of what I'm thinking.... tba later bitches

peace mo fockas