hee hee, just cuz!

You Are the Investigator

5 You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker. You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does. Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations. You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.

What number are you?

"Holla Holla Holla....
Maybe ... it's me... maybe i bore you?"
John Legend, - "Used to Love You"

Ever take a step back to look at yourself and realize that everything in life has changed, for better or worse, and yet nothing about you has truely changed? You've just taken on a different attitude...

I can't say I will ever know how it feels to humble. I've never had a chance to do so. Ever since I was young I was raised to think I was better than the rest of my surrounding peers. Starting with family. Since I was about 12, i was supposed to be this huge fucking prodigy that would surpass my siblings, since they didnt turn out the way my mother dearest wanted them to turn out. So i was put into all kinds of programs for the gifted and was treated like fucking royalty all throughout elementary school. Then junior high school came and i realized i wasn't the queen of washington heights and was like, well fuck that shit, and I haven't gotten straight As since.

I hate the fact that theres no competition with my cousins when it comes to shit like this. Everyone inmy family are so fucked up and they fuck up their kids so that everyone is in this never ending cycle of dead end jobs and are always complaining about something. All the aunts and uncles ofthe family called me wat? prodigio. (prodigy for the spanish impaired) Of fuckin wat? U need a former expert to have a fucking prodigy. I never really took a look back to realize wat that really did to me.

The love life aint help either. Like i always say, i never regret anything i do in my life, because that would be a waste. Everything happens for a reason, and i'd like to keep it that way. But the boy toys i had ended up being an intricate part of my everyday life and friends and business intertwined and i dun think i'm cut out for that type of committment.

I wish I knew how to humble myself into thinking that the world isn't out to get me, and that I'm really ok all things considered and that there aren't always alterior motives behind everyone's actions. That I don't always dwell on every single shit that people do to me, because the next day I wake up and realize that it's all a bunch of bull and it's not that serious. The guy(s) in my life are there and serve a purpose in my life, and I will always be grateful for that. And if there is potential for something more, then God will see that it plays out that way. If not, then all i can do is be grateful and move on with the vida. :-)

Yes, I've gotten a tad more spiritual with God and Jesus... I think our "understanding" contract is beginning to expire and I'm going to start acknowledging Him in my life again. Because having faith is believing in something when common sense tells u not to. No there is no formal proof that God exists, so common sense tells me not to put so much into it.. but there is no proof that he doesn't. And as one little girl and her father explains it so well, in a movie called "Corina, Corina,"

father: Sweetie, God and angels and Heaven is all something that people make up to make themselves feel better when bad things happen. It doesn't change anything, it just makes them think it'll all get better.
daughter: ... well... what's wrong with that?

Theres nothing wrong with believing in something that makes you feel better. I don't believe that if I stop praying for a day that i'm go to hell... ish... i'm going already if thats true. So for all my athiests, u do ur thing, i'll do mine. :-D Reality is, nothing is guarenteed, but ignorance is bliss .... so in this regard, i'll be ignorant... I know i have no control over the way things happen, but i do have control over the way i feel. "You can't change things that happen, just how you react to them" (zen, though i feel like i got that quote wrong)

I think i lost a friend this semester.... or at least someone i would have wanted to be better friends with. I feel terrible partly because I think I missed out on a great friendship, partly because I know that he won't care how I feel anyway, partly because this isn't the type of guy that you'd wanna be enemies with, partly because I loved talking to him and I think he'd be a great person to know in the futuro. I've never meant to intentionally hurt anyone this semester, and in fact strive to not ever... but i know i've hurt alot of my close friends by the things i do, and i wanna say sorry to everyone. to those who cut me off and to those that stuck by me, and thank you for all that you did, done and tried to do for me. If you knew what I was going through emotinally, psychologically, I think you'd understand. If you don't, I bid you farewell and hope you took as much happiness from me, that i took from you.

Nayro, you're always on mind, and one of the few people I will always consider my friend, despite the fact that we take communication breaks all the time. Know that I am proud of you and all that you accomplish in college, and admire the way you stay strong in your household (despite the arguement we'll have on that comment ;-) ), and always have faith that eventually our lives will collide together again, and catch up so that age won't ever matter again. And soon, i will let you know what's good with me, because the only reason i've kept you in the dark recently is because I don't want to you be burdened by my issues. despite your arguements to that comment as well, I've always tried to protect you from the shit that i do... I can only ask that you understand me, and stick with me... I shout you out because there's no one in syracuse that knows our situation like we do. :-* love ya hun. (yes i sed hun :-D)

we're all so fucked up it's ridiculous. (to dick again... alot.... write just?:-) )

PAZ
Zulay

Since the last time i've posted, I've been going through some fucking bullshit. There's a difference between personal shit and drama. Originally I was going through straight up drama... people talking about me behind my back, on a personal level of course, people talking to other people about me... of course.... and all I can say for that... is that you should know better. I mean... if YOU feel like if I say/write/do something that can potentionally hurt one of YOUR friends.... AND u happen to know me... then do me a favor... talk to ME about what you THINK I was writing about that is perceived to be hurtful to OUR friend. Cuz u may just be wrong and putting OUR friend through unnecessary DRAMA. Personally, I think in doing that, YOU are doing that shit PURPOSELY to actually HURT OUR friend more than help them.

It's a double standard. I personally don't like it when MY friends point things out to me that are subtle in a conversation/blog/action that may be intended to hurt me. U don't know that. You don't know if it's about me... if it means anything or any type of shit like that. UNLESS my name ZULAY/ZU/Miss OlIvOis said at some point then YOU nor I will ever truely know what that shit is about. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. it's not worth it people. It's just not. Stick to what you know and hopefully you won't create DRAMA.

But honestly... it's human nature and I understand it. I have to, no? I love that people that be hypocritical to not only others but them-damn-selves too. I can say I've been victum to what I just chastized half my readers up above there. If I think u talking shit about my good ole buddy ole pal? yes, in certain cases I'ma tell my good ole buddy ole pal. LOYALTY. Loyalty gets put in a sticky situation when DRAMA is in involved. I love loyalty and I think it's the one thing I've always admired in the friends I truely call friends, and the guys I can truely say I dated.

It seems for the past week since I wrote that last entry that all I've been doing is saying sorry to people. Sorry for LUCHA, sorry for friends, sorry for the boys that have entered n reentered my life time n time again, sorry for myself.... in no particular order except maybe a subconscience one. This past week, like i sed earlier my DRAMA became Personal SHIT. Like shit that i didnt need, but ... shit that showed me that the DRAMA in my life... didn't mean as much as it supposedly did. cliche'd i kno... The SHIT i went through and still feeling, and will FOREVER feel, showed me that it could always be worse. That watever I'm going through, thats not truely life threatening.. is not worth threatening your life. I was done ready to give up alot of things in my life. My jobs, my schoolwork, even my friends. Just to keep my organization, my other friends, and my potential.

In fact I did give up most of those things... 2 jobs, 2 classes and a few friends later, this is where I am.... I didn't get to keep my organization... i chose to stick with it because I believe in it more than I believe in alot of what goes on here on campus. I didn't get to keep my other friends because the cold hard reality is that I am no longer a priority in their life, nor are they a priority in mine. Shit happens and I recognized it... it's just a matter of time before they realize it too. The only chance we have is if we admit defeat and start over. And right now my potential is lookin bleak and I have lost hope for it....& not because I think it's already gone, but because the possibly of it being gone has increased it's chances... I have to expect the worst.

Expect the worst. It's a contradiction between the "it could always be worse" theory. Sure, it could always be worse, but that doesn't ease the fact that it's still BAD NOW. Geezy. I'd rather stick to the expectations of the "expect the worst" theory. It's flawed but I'd rather think I know what the worst is for myself..... blah.

On a happier note: Though psychologically, i'm still pretty fucked up, physically I'm doing alot better, mentally, I'm a lil more focused. I've managed to have a conversation with my ex that was ooozing friendship and it did not keep me up at night like it used to. It was actually friendly conversation. nice. My other ex and I still going through our deal but I've put that on pause because he's being stupid. Sorry buddy.

My friends that are still around have eased alot of the shit I've been going through nicely and I spank you guys for that.

And my love life, like i sed, is being put on temporary hold until further notice. Which, for the first time in a long time, I'm ok with. Whew.

Oh look, I actually wrote an entry.... fun...

CAFE CON LECHE TIME 8-)

I'm zulay bitch!!!!! lol